The Gay Blade

After getting diagnosed with HIV in 1988, I spent most of the 1990s getting ready to die. I was so weak I couldn't get out of bed, down to just over 50 kgs at one point, miserable, angry and sick so often, bouncing between hospital and Herne Bay House, until the new drugs came along and I started to get better. But a lot of my time and energy was built around being HIV+, around medicine and illness, and the idea of death.  Even with the new meds though, and the gradual improvement to my health, I always had this sense in the back of my mind that it would all fall apart, that the meds would stop working and I'd go back to that time where my death seemed so close and obvious. And even now I still find it hard to trust the future, to imagine I have one. But logically I know that I do, and realistically the meds will keep working for me if I keep taking them correctly. I've been thinking about all this lately as I try and re-shape my life and search for a career - ag...

Turning 50 seems to have changed my online audience in a way I hadn't imagined. Suddenly I find 20 year-olds sending me lust-filled messages online - I guess I can now officially be put in the "Daddy" category. And I also get guys in their 60s getting in touch - I suppose I seem close enough in age that they feel more comfortable approaching me than they do a 30 year-old. It's been interesting, and some fun as well, and even though their skin is lovely at that age, 20 is just too young for me, it feels creepy somehow. 25 and up I can cope with. And I've had some wonderful hot times with men in their 60s too. Gay men and age though - we don't deal with it that well I reckon. We talk about "the gay community" a lot, but one thing about successful communities is they have links over generations, the older members pass down their experiences and knowledge to the younger ones, and we don't seem very good at that, we're not good at giving...

Gay men fuck differently. We do. No matter how many prissy or self-hating homos there are who don't like to talk about it, as a total group, gay men have much more sex, and many more sexual partners, than straight people. It's a fairly clear and simple fact, and it has no moral value whatsoever. If you like to fuck with strangers 10 times in a week, that's cool, and if you have only ever had sex with your partner in the last 10 years, that's equally cool. But overall, even gay men in loving long-term relationships have more sex than straight guys. Whether you're 20 or 50, this is the case. And we typically don't place the same value on sex as straights do. It's just a bit of fun with someone who's sexy and up for it. That's a pretty hard fact to get across to straights though. And I think it's even harder for straight women to get than straight guys. For a woman, sex has the possibility of creating a new life as well as the joys of ...

We gay men have always had to make our own communities. In the past we did it as a way to protect ourselves from a world that hated and persecuted us. Now we do it based out of our strength. So we've just had the third BearNZ Week, and it was a lot of fun. A big vote of thanks to the guys at Urge for running such a great event again. They make it look so effortless, but it takes a lot of work to get this week running so well. There were guys from the UK, the USA, Australia, and of course lots of locals and out-of-towners. I didn't go to everything, but I really enjoyed the events I made it to, and met some cool guys along the way. I went to Bear Drag, but didn't run - I made that mistake last year, when I stupidly said to Alan from Urge, "I will if you will" and quicksmart he said "You're on!" Embarassing photos followed, I learnt my lesson, and was happy as a supporter this year. Mr Urge Bear was packed as usual, great fun, and kudos t...

Ah, the Big Gay Out has been and gone once more... It's the last gay remnant of HERO in our lives, and a it was a lot of fun as usual, even if the weather wasn't that kind to us. The BGO is supposed to be the day for the whole Queer community, trans, dykes, gays, drag, bi - the whole kit and caboodle. And it's a symbol of how the gay world has changed - our biggest event is a picnic now, not a dance-party. It's full of queer couples with their kids, men and women who have no interest in the scene but enjoy a day where they can hang out with thousands of queers and feel good. People bring their straight mates and family along, but it's first and foremost our day, so they have to behave. And it's so great to have a day when we are the ones in the majority. Symbols matter, and the BGO symbolises us as a community, as Gay Auckland. So for the official opening, listening to NZAF Executive Director Robinson open the event and blather on about diversity I an...

A few odds and ends that have been running around my head, so here goes. And who will I piss off this time? Firstly - Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, as Wilde once said, so perhaps I should have been flattered when my fellow blogger Craig Young pointed out that both my and his blogs were  being used under false names and with minimal changes on an overseas gay community site - I won't name it. I have always been really happy for people to use my blogs, link to them, whatever, so long as I am given full credit, and that continues to be my position. I see them as public. Next -  I pushed a few buttons with my last blog on gay racism. I stand by all I wrote, but let me be clear - I'm not saying we can't have preferences about the type of men we are attracted to - of course we do. I'm just making the point that by saying "No Indians" or "No Blacks" you are using racist language, you are acting in a racist manner even if you aren't...

Love - it plays on my mind a lot, and not just on mine I know. I was talking about it with a mate the other day, that need to love someone, and to feel loved back - it's so strong. And the fear that I or he won't be loved again, won't love again, or worse, won't be loved again, is strong and painful. Especially when you feel, when I feel, like I have so much love to give. I mean, yeah, of course I'll love - I have friends, family etc who I love. I will have pets again that I love. I won't have a life that is devoid of love, I know that. But that's not really what I mean. There's that sense of recognition, of knowing and being known so well, so deeply and thoroughly that you only get if you spend lots of time with someone else. I'm talking  about that sense of having that person who knows you so well that they can finish your sentences. They automatically know why you're grumpy, or smiling. That deep and strong sense of intimacy - that...