The Gay Blade

We gay men have always had to make our own communities. In the past we did it as a way to protect ourselves from a world that hated and persecuted us. Now we do it based out of our strength. So we've just had the third BearNZ Week, and it was a lot of fun. A big vote of thanks to the guys at Urge for running such a great event again. They make it look so effortless, but it takes a lot of work to get this week running so well. There were guys from the UK, the USA, Australia, and of course lots of locals and out-of-towners. I didn't go to everything, but I really enjoyed the events I made it to, and met some cool guys along the way. I went to Bear Drag, but didn't run - I made that mistake last year, when I stupidly said to Alan from Urge, "I will if you will" and quicksmart he said "You're on!" Embarassing photos followed, I learnt my lesson, and was happy as a supporter this year. Mr Urge Bear was packed as usual, great fun, and kudos t...

Ah, the Big Gay Out has been and gone once more... It's the last gay remnant of HERO in our lives, and a it was a lot of fun as usual, even if the weather wasn't that kind to us. The BGO is supposed to be the day for the whole Queer community, trans, dykes, gays, drag, bi - the whole kit and caboodle. And it's a symbol of how the gay world has changed - our biggest event is a picnic now, not a dance-party. It's full of queer couples with their kids, men and women who have no interest in the scene but enjoy a day where they can hang out with thousands of queers and feel good. People bring their straight mates and family along, but it's first and foremost our day, so they have to behave. And it's so great to have a day when we are the ones in the majority. Symbols matter, and the BGO symbolises us as a community, as Gay Auckland. So for the official opening, listening to NZAF Executive Director Robinson open the event and blather on about diversity I an...

A few odds and ends that have been running around my head, so here goes. And who will I piss off this time? Firstly - Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, as Wilde once said, so perhaps I should have been flattered when my fellow blogger Craig Young pointed out that both my and his blogs were  being used under false names and with minimal changes on an overseas gay community site - I won't name it. I have always been really happy for people to use my blogs, link to them, whatever, so long as I am given full credit, and that continues to be my position. I see them as public. Next -  I pushed a few buttons with my last blog on gay racism. I stand by all I wrote, but let me be clear - I'm not saying we can't have preferences about the type of men we are attracted to - of course we do. I'm just making the point that by saying "No Indians" or "No Blacks" you are using racist language, you are acting in a racist manner even if you aren't...

Love - it plays on my mind a lot, and not just on mine I know. I was talking about it with a mate the other day, that need to love someone, and to feel loved back - it's so strong. And the fear that I or he won't be loved again, won't love again, or worse, won't be loved again, is strong and painful. Especially when you feel, when I feel, like I have so much love to give. I mean, yeah, of course I'll love - I have friends, family etc who I love. I will have pets again that I love. I won't have a life that is devoid of love, I know that. But that's not really what I mean. There's that sense of recognition, of knowing and being known so well, so deeply and thoroughly that you only get if you spend lots of time with someone else. I'm talking  about that sense of having that person who knows you so well that they can finish your sentences. They automatically know why you're grumpy, or smiling. That deep and strong sense of intimacy - that...

On Saturday morning I usually have breakfast with two of my closest and most important friends, have done for years and years and years, but this weekend I cancelled because I had an appointment with some other good mates, let's call them "Ken" and "Spike" (see, I can be discreet!) . Ken and Spike show up at 9:45 with their mate Jim, and we pile into the car and off to Newmarket we go! You see, Spike has wanted a tattoo for decades, and now that Ken had had one done he decided he simply had to get his done too, and it was an easy birthday present for Ken. And Ken and me, well, we'd decided a few weeks back we wanted to get a Prince Albert, get our cocks pierced, so why not do it together? Jim? I'd never met him before - he was just their friendly trade from the night before coming along to watch. As you do. You can just imagine that post-coital conversation: Spike :"Hey Jim, that was really hot mate, thanks. By the way, I'm getting a t...

I was sitting in Albert Park the other day, enjoying the sun, having some lunch, the scent of dope floating through the summer air, playing with the phone,  idly looking through Manhunt, Recon, Gaydar,  Scruff , Grindr etc and noticed a few profiles saying "No hookups" and then I posted on facebook "I just don't get guys who use sites like Scruff or Grindr and say 'No hookups'". And so many of those profiles have a headless body-shot, and locked pics sitting there too. It was just an idle throwaway line, a little query that popped up in my head, sitting in the sun. Boy, did it  get a response! I think there were over 70 comments on it the last time I looked, with guys from NZ, Australia, the USA, Canada all chipping in. And what a range of opinion. Some went along the lines of "Not all homos are skanks and some of us actually like to go out for dates without ending up fucking" to others saying "These sites are designed for h...

I just ended a two-year affair. It wasn't a relationship in the sense of being partners or lovers, it was different from that, but it had endured, and it was good most of the time. He already has a lover, and we were clear about the limits on what we did. And even though we weren't "in love" we did love each other in our own way. You can't really keep on hooking up for that amount of time without caring for the other guy. But in the end I decided that it just wasn't good for me. It took up a lot of my emotional energy, yet in the cold hard light of day, I could see that it was time to move on. He was surprised and wounded at the rupture, and so was his partner but obviously to a lesser degree. Yes, it hurt , but I know I made the right call. And it made me think about the huge weight we tend to put on love these days, our expectations that love is the answer to everything, that love makes it all ok. That's asking love to carry a lot, and is a ...

I watched the movie "Julie and Julia" last night, about the blogger who spent a year cooking everything out of Julia Child's cookbook, a work of genius. The film is not a work of genius - Amy Adams, the "Julie" character, is a whiny self-absorbed bore. I wanted way more Meryl Streep as Julia Child, so much more interesting. But as a blogger, I appreciated what she was doing and saying. I'm a lazy blogger, I don't do it every day the way some do. I share her anxieties too - I write this stuff, but does anyone read it? Do I over-share? Do I tell too much? Do I bore people? I hardly ever get comments here on the blog, but do on facebook, so I know some of you  do like it - or when you don't you aren't shy about telling me either. Anyway, her gimmick of cooking her way through Julia Child made me wonder if I could do anything like that, if there was a book I could follow and blog about for a year. The Hudson and Halls cookbook maybe? Maybe ...

The end of another year - and that's not a bad thing. There have been ups and downs, as usual. Personally, it's been a hard year for a number of reasons, so I'm not sad to turn the page on 2011, and hope that 2012 feels better for me. It's been quite a year really. Huge political changes in North Africa and the Middle East. I cheer on the one hand,  but despair as well, as I read of the persecution of gay men that gets carried out in the turmoil. Scores of gay men have been targetted and murdered in Baghdad, killed just for being gay - this is hideous and barbaric, and it seems like it's not just happening there - we have become a legitimate target, easy to attack with no consequences. Gays don't count as real humans, we're just scum in their eyes. We are so lucky in New Zealand, as bad as things can get here, you won't be pulled into a car, driven off to some wasteland, raped, tortured and shot and then have your body dumped back at your parents'...

And it's Christmas - again. It keeps coming around every year! I'm doing the usual mix of family and friends. A friend of mine told me this morning "Treasure your family, especially your Mum"  - he's an orphan from another country, so he knows what it's like to only have friends at this time. Family lunch today, then again tomorrow, it's a lot all at once, but generally, I enjoy my family. And I like being an uncle and a great-uncle. I'm lucky that way I guess, I know it's not the case for every gay guy. Families can be a curse or a blessing, or a mixture. Another friend from SF told me the other day "You know, I read your blogs and think you sound more like a cranky old man, but I find myself agreeing with you!" So maybe I am cranky - and right at the same time if he's agreeing with me. I can be a moody shit at times, I know. It's part of the package. I can also be kind, caring, charming and fun - we all have our weak-s...

I went to my friend Wayne Otter's farewell from the NZAF yesterday. 18 years he'd been there. That's a long time. And he was there through the so much of the bad times, when we were sick and dying. When I was sick and dying. The thing about Wayne is that he was there - he did far more than his job description required. There aren't many people in the organisation on any level today who know what he knows, or have seen what he saw. His instinctive grasp of what it was like for us and the wider gay community and all those affected by HIV was a key asset, and will be missed. They couldn't muster up a single Board member to appear, just a pro-forma speech, which I think was a bit shabby. But there was a lot of love and respect poured out to him yesterday from people who know what he has done, and he deserved it all and more. And the two senior managers at NZAF are leaving as well, more change. Simon and Eamonn have both made a fantastic contribution over the years...