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Saturday, August 20, 2016


I gather I'm in a minority, but I really like man-buns. I've heard so many friends put them down. Suffering from GOMS (Grumpy Old Man Syndrome) I think.

I always think criticising the hair of a younger generation is a dangerous sign that the speaker is getting conformist, slipping into the same sort of middle-aged attitudes we hated as kids and about to launch into "Back in MY day we never ..." sort of platitudes.

I regret that I have never had long hair.

When it was in in the 60s and 70s I was too young, and Kings Prep had a strict "no hair touching the collar" rule. Kings College was a little more relaxed, and longer hair had become normal by then. But by the time I left school and could make my own decisions punk was in and my hair was short, and dyed in as many colours as I could find. My hairdresser once stole a lime green from a colleague for me.

My older brothers, especially the oldest two, really went for long hair in a big way. I remember when my oldest brother Greg came back from his first year at RMIT in 1974, his black hair curling down over his shoulders like a King Charles cavalier, with the obligatory beard and moustache, a 12 string guitar over his shoulder. He was so cool. My parents' despair was palpable.

Hair mattered, and matters. How it's presented, how it's cut, styled, coloured.

I can remember the jokes, the comments the sneers that long hair got back then.

It's hard to think now of how revolutionary the move to long hair for men in the 60s and 70s was.

And it was really about men's hair not women's - the change in male grooming and appearance, away from the short back and sides symbolised social change. And caused such deep suspicion. They didn't use a woman's head on the Hair poster - what would be the point of that?

Long hair was what women wore, not men. Not civilised men.

And the older generation made it very clear how much they hated young men with long hair. Luckily the young men didn't listen.

Then long hair went mainstream and look what happened. I actually still quite like this look. Bee Gees Saturday Night Fever style.

But what I really loved and miss is that old style 1960s hippy style. Like George Harrison in this photo.

I remember being about 18 and meeting this guy who had this kind of hair. He must have been about 28, so quite old by my standards then. We met in a sauna, the old Victoria St Spa, and we fucked a few times after that at his flat in Parnell, back when parts of Parnell were still very rundown and full of those old style flats.

He had amazing long hair and often it would be in a ponytale  - at first.

What I remember delighting in is when we'd be naked in bed, stoned too probably, and he'd bend over me and let all his hair down, like a tent encircling us, and we would kiss, long and deep kisses, with this beautiful forest of hair shutting the world out and fencing us in.

Maybe it was his schtick, his little party trick that he did with everyone, but fuck it worked for me and I remember it with such pleasure. He was sweet and tender with a long lean firm body, nice cock with the right sort of heft to it, and took the time to figure out what turned me on, and in some ways, taught me how to fuck; he was good to me, confused teenager that I was.

I can't remember his name, even his face is a bit of a blur, but I remember the emotions that went with him, and I remember his hair, his long beautiful hair.

But all fashions change and move, and hair length and style is one of the easiest ones to alter.

Now I am nearly bald. I keep what hair is left clipped short. No more greens, pinks, oranges, blonds, and stripes of all of those together. No more mohawks. No more bright pink fringe hanging down to my nose.

I've never had long hair, but I remember the men who did and how it was so beautiful and hot.

So I don't criticise man-buns. And when I find myself criticising what young people wear, say or do, I remember what those old men used to say about my brothers and their friends, their generation, with their long hair. Middle aged men, also with GOMS, afraid of change, scared of not being the standard of all that is right.

I don't want to be like that. So man-buns are fine, more than fine. They can look so fucking hot.

And I can imagine some handsome young man with a man-bun in bed, casually undoing it, and dropping down a tent of hair around his lover's face.

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

After Orlando

 As a gay man I look at the tragedy that has occurred in Orlando and am struck dumb with grief.

This was a pre-meditated attack, an act of unbridled hatred, against people simply because, like me, they were born different. This is as stupid as killing people for being left-handed or having green eyes.
I’ve been trying to understand why it has shaken me and so many of my friends so deeply.
It is because we are so used to living with fear, we are so used to the little put-downs so often described as “jokes”. So many of us were bullied at school and rejected by our families that we don’t trust the world around us easily.
We know that we are inviting verbal abuse and the danger of physical attack if we walk around holding our loved one’s hand or kissing in public. We know to check and not behave in a way that is “too gay” if we’re out on the street at night, especially if you’re on your own.
We know we are at risk, and what this foul act of terror in Orlando has done is take that fear and make it concrete .
For many of us, our clubs and bars are the only places we can be ourselves. They are safe spaces away from families, from fellow employees and others who might laugh and jeer. They are often  the only places we can relax and show who we are and openly show our love for partners; these are spaces where we can hug, kiss, and just act like the rest of the world does every day.
New Zealand is often seen as a better place than many others in the world to be part of the Rainbow community, and in many ways it is. Nearly all legal impediments have been removed, we have seen some stellar leadership from public figures who have been out and proud.
But we know that around a third of New Zealanders are uncomfortable working with people from the LGBTI world who are out. We know that we are far more likely to attempt suicide and successfully complete it than other segments of society.
We know what it is like to live with fear. And we also know the effort it takes to constantly be brave, as so many of us are. We know the energy required to be ourselves in a world that is often oblivious to our existence. And it can be good when the world is oblivious to us, because then we are not targets.
But why should we or any group have to live our lives in the shadows? Why we should we be afraid to be who we are?
The grief and rage I feel inside me about this is real, and is based on the direct sense of kinship I feel with all those slaughtered and wounded. I know it could have been me. And yes, I think it could happen in New Zealand.
This was a crime of pure naked hatred, and we know what it is to be hated. We are hated for being gay, for being lesbian, for being transgender or bisexual, for being different.
So the next time you make a joke about something being “so gay” just think of what happened last night in Florida. Think of where these comments can go. They not only hurt us, they legitimise the violence we encounter. They feed the hatred so many of us live with, and give strength to the ignorant and evil that persecute us.
Tuesady Postscript - CNN's Anderson Cooper reading out the names

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Pillow Talk

“I want to get married and have kids.”

That’s what the young guy (mid 20s) told me as we were lying there having a cuddle after all the hot sweaty fun was over.

He wasn't proposing to me, let's be clear.

And he didn’t mean go in the closet and marry a woman, he meant find a nice guy, settle down and raise a family. And as he went on to explain, preferably not in Auckland, but a smaller town like the one he grew up in, which he said had made for a great childhood.

He doesn’t see this, as many queer theorists might, as being trapped by heteronormative and patriarchal models of life; he sees this as being key to having a good life.

And when you think about it, love, children, stability – it’s a pretty attractive package.

It just struck me how he and others are “doing gay” in such a totally different way from we ever envisaged when I was his age.

As a young gay guy in my mid 20s, the idea that I could be an out gay man, and a dad with a husband, could have a family, could do all this as a welcome part of my own family, well it was literally unthinkable.

This was just not what being a gay man was about.

Sure I knew guys who had kids, but they’d had them when they were conforming, trying to be straight and had been married, then come out. They were almost oddities “You mean you have kids? You had sex with a woman? Wow!”

When I look back and think of all the discussions we had, and the ideas we tossed around, the books we read, all that stuff about what it meant to be a gay man – being a dad, settling down, having a family – it really didn’t figure.

We wanted freedom from stereotypes, both the ones about being gay (sad, suicidal, perverted)  and straight society’s ideas about sex (wait for marriage to have sex, stay with one person forever etc) . We saw the freedom to fuck and celebrate our sexuality as core to who we were and what our lives were about. We gloried in our difference and our attitudes to love and relationships. We were unapologetic about breaking the rules of straight society and building our own. And sure I know a lot of young guys still live this way, even if they perhaps lack the theory behind it .

And I don’t think that the freedom to fuck has become less popular, or how would this hot young guy end up in my bed on more than one occasion, right? He’s clearly happy with that side of things until he gets married – and who knows, maybe even after.

What struck me was the taken-for-granted aspect of what he said. He just matter-of-factly assumes that all these plans are not only achievable but almost uncontroversial. I guess there will be bumps in the road as there are with everything in life, but he’s talking about a way of being as a gay man that is very new both to me and I’d argue to society.

It also seems that the hysterical straight religious response that we’re “re-defining marriage” is true to an extent. We have, but to be fair, so have an awful lot of straight people.

Marriage is not what it once was. Now it seems to often be simply the public celebration of a loving relationship and making sure they can get the benefits of having their love recognised by the state. He doesn’t want to get married because of religion or cultural pressure, he wants to get married to publically show his love, and celebrate it.

Unlike older generations of gay guys, he’s aware of HIV, but not terrified of it. He hasn’t watched a vast swathe of his friends die, or the emerging culture we were all creating get derailed. His life has been altogether easier in these areas, and that is fantastic.

I’m getting old, this country has changed and in this instance, for the better. The fight for gay rights that I was part of in the old days has resulted in some completely unexpected developments.

New generations have taken those advances, incorporated bits of them, and built their own new ways of being and doing gay that did seem literally inconceivable back then.

I’m enjoying watching the changes, as much as they surprise me.

And I feel a bit wistful as I wonder what kind of dad I would have been. 

Fabulous I suspect !

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

On Being Sick

I went out for a walk on Monday, enjoying the last week of my holidays, and running across K Rd I pulled my right calf muscle.

It hurt like hell, but I tried to pretend it didn't.

Same thing happened about 5 years ago.

So I've been laid up, resting my leg, in a compression bandage, icing it the first day or two, the usual stuff. It will heal, and I will be ok in time. The frustrating thing is that I'm not actually sick - just unable to do normal things, like go for a walk or a drive, or cut the grass, have a hot fuck, and enjoy my holiday.

It made me think back to when I was really sick, back in the 90s, about 20 years ago in 1995

I had AIDS and was expected to die. My specialist at the hospital told me I had about a year to live. I was in a hospice for people with AIDS. I weighed about 50kgs - I couldn't walk more than a couple of metres. I shat my bed often because I couldn't get to the toilet. I couldn't breather without an oxygen tank. I'd eat, then throw up.

I was really sick.

I was dying - I thought so, so did everyone around me, and that was a totally reasonable assumption to make given how HIV operates when it's untreated in the human body.

Then in 1996, things changed, and along came Western medicine, with Protease Inhibitors. I was incredibly fortunate to get on them early, and they worked.

I got better and better. Put on weight (now I weigh too much). And the only reason I'm alive today is because of the science that sits behind Western medicine. It is utterly amazing what medical science can do today.

So when people would say to me "Oh your attitude made such a difference! You are such a fighter" or sometimes "You chose not to die!" or "You're here for a reason!" I get so angry.

Did all those other wonderful men I knew choose to die? Have the wrong attitude? Not fight enough? Have lives empty of purpose compared to mine?

Actually I had an incredibly negative attitude for a long time, until I realised I didn't want to die that way. But changing my attitude didn't defeat HIV and pull me back from AIDS - Western science did that.

I look at it this way - if your car gets a flat on the motorway in the middle of a howling storm, you can sit inside and feel sorry for yourself and wail, or you can get out in the rain and change the tyre, and then move on. I wailed for quite a while, then got over it.

Having a positive attitude helps you change the tyre instead of sitting there, but without the jack and the spare tyre you're not going anywhere.

So don't tell people who have possibly terminal conditions that they just need the right attitude and they'll be fine. It's a smug and stupid thing to say. I've also heard people who were in my position say "It was my attitude that did it" Bullshit. Stop taking your meds and see how your attitude helps keep HIV or cancer or heart disease at bay. Stop saying this shit. It's not true and not what people dealing with life-threatening conditions need to hear. You're essentialy saying that if they get sick and die, it's their fault because they didn't have the right attitude. That's just so wrong.

They need highly trained medical expertise applied to their situation. They need the intelligence and hard work of specialised nurses and doctors and lab technicians. If you don't have that, no matter how positive your attitude, no matter how many "healing vibes" and prayers get sent your way,you won't get better. You'll die.