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Monday, October 18, 2010

Still Standing

Hmm, haven't been here for a while have I ? Life has been busy - and I'm not complaining about that, well, just a little.

But the big news I turn 49 tomorrow. It's big news for me anyhow. In 1988 I was told by a Dr in London that I probably had 2 years to live, so I'm glad I'm still here. I've been so lucky compared to so many.

I was talking the other day with a family friend, a woman in her late 70s, who buried her son in the early 90s, before HAART came out, he died about the time I was told I'd die in fact. I always enjoy seeing her, she's a lovely woman, and she always asks me how I am.

We were talking about her son's situation compared to mine, and agreed it was nothing more than luck. I was able to just hold on long enough until the new meds came through in 1996. I was already very ill by then, and without them I would have followed him to the grave by now I'm utterly certain.

I don't believe in destiny or fate. I don't believe I'm alive because I've had the right positive thoughts about myself. I know I'm not alive due to the "alternative" medicine I tried in the early 90s.

I am alive because I was probably infected a little bit later, and my body was able to keep going till Western Medicine came up with effective medications.

I often say (jokingly) that I want drugs tested on puppies by scientists in white coats - but it's only half a joke. I actually DO want effective medication, I've seen the benefits. I don't want some crystal-waving  herbal hippy shit, or loopy pseudo-scientific rubbish like ozone-bagging. It doesn't work.I'd be dead without Western science, so I'm a big fan.

So many wonderful men I knew weren't as lucky as me. So many men I danced with, fucked with, fought with, laughed with, dreamed with - dead and gone, often in their 20s or early 30s.

When things get me down, and they do just like with anyone else, I remind myself that at least I'm still here, at least I've got this far, and I thank my lucky stars. I've got great family, fantastic friends, and most of all, I've got a future, with future plans and dreams. I am so lucky.

It won't be a big birthday party - that's for next year, but every birthday feels like a little victory for me, and a little memorial for those who didn't get this far.

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