Follow by Email

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Why Isn't Life More Like Porn ?

Well, it's probably a good thing it isn't, or nothing would get done, but the thought came to me as I was sitting here waiting for the plumbers to arrive.

If life were like porn, the plumbers would be hot, maybe one in his 40s, dark and hairy, strong but a little gut going on there, one in his 20s, friendly, eager and smooth, both wearing overalls undone down to the crotch cause of the heat, and that are somehow constantly threatening to fall off and reveal that big hard tool that all plumbers always walk around with. After fiddling with their tools and a couple of subtle comments and some serious eye contact, well, it'd all be on. But would your loo ever get fixed? After you'd all had so much fun together, would it even be possible to say "The tap over the laundry sink is dripping too" - bit of a come-down really.

Just think of all the trades that'd be so much more interesting if they were just like in the pornos: electricians, pizza delivery boys, mechanics, and we all know about the Police and what they like to do when they stop a car with a single man in it. That is if everything I've ever watched on TVs in gay bars and clubs is true, and why would TV lie to me?

Of course, if it were true, the Army, Navy and Air Force, Police and all manual trades would be known for being filled with homos, in the same way that people now joke about interior designers or hairdressers. It could be fun - "Oh, David", in a knowing but butch tone "He's a Police Officer now" with a pregnant pause after allowing everyone to know exactly what this meant.

But so much sex would get tiring all the time. And irritating as well. I mean, what if you just wanted a new power-point put in? There are times when no matter how hunky the sparky that arrives on the doorstep in his shorts and tool belt that you'd just think "Oh come on - I've got to meet my mum in half an hour!" The thrill of the erotic Policeman could dull over time too. What if you really were only doing 45 kmh in a 50 k zone, and actually you had to get home to feed the dogs? He's already got the cuffs out and his truncheon is ready and you're just like... "What? Sex with a big hunky sexy cop again! Not now!"

Of course, some of these guys in real life are hot, but then, so are some hairdressers, interior designers and dental-hygenists - we just don't give them the same sexy labels. Or has someone made porn about dental-hygenists that I haven't heard of yet? Because if so I'd love to see it. Though the idea is slightly disturbing. "No, I just want my gums looked at!"

But, then again, if we could turn it off and on at will, the supply of living porn, well, that could work. But that, like all porn, is just a fantasy - aint' never going to happen. And life isn't like porn, for which I'm glad.

And the plumbers arrived, were perfectly nice and efficient, and I wouldn't have wanted to do either of them.

No comments: